Dr. Peter Montminy

 

 

It’s that time of year when we seek to bring gifts of joy and good cheer to our family and friends.

Yet often we get so swept up in finding the just-right gifts in stores, that we forget about the real gifts of love surrounding us all the time.  We can too easily lose sight of what really matters when we’re drowning in the to-dos of extra shopping, cooking, cleaning, and entertaining.

How do we truly experience “Joy to the World” when we’re ready to pull our hair out after hearing that song for the one millionth time, and it’s only the second week of December?

Here are a few friendly reminders on how to keep the spirit of the holiday season alive and well for you and your children.

Remember the Reason for the Season

Ask yourself “Why?”  Stop and catch yourself – at the beginning of the month, the week, the day. “What am I doing?  What choice am I making right now with my limited time/energy/money?   And why?  Why am I doing this?”

Remind yourself of the Reason for the Season.  Whatever your particular creed or beliefs – it is a time for celebrating humankind with renewed love, light, and hope.  It’s a time for being thankful for the gifts OF family and friends, not just FROM them.

Refocus on What’s Most Fun and Fulfilling

When you refocus your mind on what’s most important to you about this holiday season, then you can commit yourself to purposely putting those priorities into practice.

If you’re baking extra breads or cookies, is it a burdensome chore because you have to, you feel you should, or it’s just always been done that way?  Or are you doing it because you want to, you choose to?  Your frame of mind here goes a long way to defining how you and your children will experience this activity.

If you know your children really enjoy that tradition, and you’re looking forward to giving them that gift of love, and you love the warm, fresh smells that remind you fondly of holidays past, then go for it!  Remind yourself this is why you’re doing it.  You’ll appreciate the fun of making yummy treats as well as making lasting, loving memories for your own kids.

Reset Expectations (Repeat As Needed)

Clarify expectations and accept limitations.  Know that if you make the choice for extra cookie baking, you won’t necessarily have time for all the holiday movies you were hoping to watch.  Set realistic expectations that don’t include notions of perfection.

Be clear that this is a season for giving, sharing, and celebrating LOVE with one another, not just THINGS.  And that means giving up some of our own wants to share in other people’s pleasures as well.

Rejoice – Realistically!

Make a list of your top 3 wishes for a fun, stress-less holiday.  Have everyone in the family make their own list, with the clear understanding that you will do some of what each person wants, but not be able to do it all.  Compare wish lists and agree to choose 1 or 2 from each person’s list.  Schedule 1 or 2 time blocks each week for the month of December, when everyone agrees they’re going to do a designated family activity.  Rotate who’s turn it is, and do something from that family member’s list.

Remind yourself and your children that gifts come in many different sizes and shapes.  Play a game of mindfully appreciating and speaking about one gift that you received and one that you gave each day of the month.  Gifts may come as material things, yes, including the things we take for granted – the clothes on our back, our daily food, a cup of coffee, some fresh cut flowers for the kitchen table, a gallon of gas for the car that took us to the Christmas Concert.

The best gifts often come in the form of sharing what we already have – belongings, compliments, time, activity, or service.  Help your children open their eyes and hearts to this reality.  Help them make conscious choices about what they’re grateful for and willing to give of themselves each day.

If you’re really into it, have your kids write one of these reflections on paper cut-out decorations – stars or bells or whatever, colored to desire, and hang daily on a little “Gratitude” or “Giving” tree.

Don’t over do it.  Pick one thing and do it whole-heartedly. Enjoy the anticipatory excitement, the momentary experience, and the fond memories.  Make mindful choices about what brings you and your children the greatest joy, and become fully engaged in just that. Here, now.

In so doing, you’ll receive the greatest gift of all.

 

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Peter Montminy, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, mindfulness teacher, loving husband and dad.  He invites you to join in an ongoing conversation that seeks to restore sanity to humanity – one child at a time.  Join us at www.AMindfulVillage.com.

 

I remember vividly one day when I was a young boy, during catechism class when the stern, habit-headed nun asked us, “What day is Thanksgiving?” – referring to the upcoming holiday.  Hands flew up, and everybody took a guess, “November 24th,” “Next Thursday,” “the third Thursday of November – no, the fourth.”

After numerous guesses fell short of our teacher’s expectations, a little light went off in my head, and I tentatively raised my hand. “Every day,” I said simply.

I can still picture the beaming smile on her face, as she replied, “Yes, indeed.  Every day is for Thanks-giving.”  And I’ve never forgotten that lesson.

Yet how do we apply it during the hustle and bustle of everyday life, especially during the holidays, when we get so busy and stressed?

Developing an “attitude of gratitude” isn’t about some compulsory mandate to run around and say thank you to others because it’s the polite thing to do.  It’s about pausing to notice and truly appreciate the many gifts that surround us every day.

It’s not about glossing over the struggles of life, either.  Rather, it’s fully acknowledging those things as well, and appreciating that we’re still here.  It’s recognizing that somehow we’ve overcome those challenges, we’ve survived that pain, and we’re still capable of laughing, loving, and learning how to enjoy another day.

When we practice being grateful, we receive many unanticipated benefits. Research has shown that maintaining a regular gratitude practice leads to improved moods, physical health, relationships, productivity, and sense of well-being.  It can decrease depression, and increase happiness and life satisfaction.

This habit of maintaining an attitude of gratitude isn’t always easy, especially if you haven’t been naturally inclined towards it.  There can be obstacles, for sure, brought about by difficult life experiences and self-defeating thought patterns.  In fact, the brain is wired for a “negativity bias” where, for the survival of the species, it remembers negative or threatening encounters most vividly.

Yet the amazing thing about human beings is that, as always, we have a choice.  We have a brain that is also uniquely wired for conscious thought.  That is, we have the ability to consider and choose how we want to respond to any given situation.

When we regularly choose to STOP, RELAX, AND THINK about what makes us happy, about what gifts we’ve received in life, about what blessings we’ve encountered – then we can start a positive snowball rolling in the direction of greater happiness and contentment with our lives.

This practice is essential to our personal well-being, which is essential to providing positive parenting or teaching, which is essential to our children’s ability to thrive!

So, how do you develop a healthier attitude of gratitude?

Dr. Robert Emmons is a prominent researcher in this area and the author of the popular book Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier.  I was privileged to participate in a semester-long course with Dr. Emmons several years ago on this subject, and it was an incredibly uplifting experience!  Here’s what he and others have concluded are some of the top tips for maintaining your attitude of gratitude.

1. Keep a Gratitude Journal. Writing in a daily journal – even simply listing three things that you’re thankful for that day, and to whom you are thankful – has been shown to relieve depression in some people as much as antidepressant medications. It develops your ability to be on the look out for blessings, to focus on and remember the things that matter most.  Ten minutes a day, applied regularly, can work wonders for your soul and your moods.

 

2. Come to Your Senses. Pay attention to what you see, hear, touch, smell, taste.  Be present to the here and now, and experience the natural pleasures that surround you every waking minute.  Get out of your head, and into a full awareness of your natural senses.  Become intoxicated and invigorated with life’s sights, sounds, smells, and textures.

 

3. Use Visual Reminders. Surround yourself with beauty, art, and inspiration.  Have photographs, images, and quotes posted all around that inspire and remind you.  To breathe.  To relax.  To appreciate.

 

4. Watch Your Language. Your words influence your thoughts and actions.  What you say out loud reinforces your worldview and helps to create your actual experience.  Be mindful of what words are coming out of your mouth.  Make a conscious choice to speak more words of kindness and gratitude.  When you catch yourself speaking otherwise, simply “Rewind and Replay.”

 

5. Go Through the Motions. The old saying, “Fake it ‘til you make it” has some wisdom in it.  Smiling sets off signals to the brain that start lighting up neural connections involving positive mood and memory.  When you start saying “Thank You” to the world more often, start writing down things your grateful for, it can start that positive snowball rolling, even if you’re not totally feeling it.  Stay with it, setting the honest intention to find blessings in your life, and the grateful feelings will start to flow.

 

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Peter Montminy, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, mindfulness teacher, loving husband and dad.  He invites you to join in an ongoing conversation that seeks to restore sanity to humanity – one child at a time.  Join us at www.AMindfulVillage.com.

 

 

Stress is any stimulation, strain, or pressure. Not all stress is bad. In fact, short episodes of moderate stress can be good for us. Stress can literally turn us on with an adrenaline rush that helps us rise to the challenge. When we are challenged to stretch our skills just enough, we find ourselves in the “peak performance zone.” In such situations, we’re often “in the flow” and “in the moment” – fully present and absorbed by where we are and what we’re doing. That’s when time flies. Worries and distractions disappear. We’re all in.

You’ve had those moments – at work, in athletic competitions or artistic performances, at home, in your personal relationships and in sweet parenting moments where you know you met your child’s needs, and they know it too.

Our nervous systems are wired to activate our bodies and minds with bursts of stress hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol, which help regulate:

• our muscle tension and relaxation,
• our heart rate and respiration,
• our digestive and immune systems,
• as well as our capacities to focus on what’s important.

With moderate or occasional stressful challenges, our nervous system maintains a healthy balance of turning on and off the neurochemicals we need to fight or flee, to tend and befriend, to rest and repair.

It’s an exquisite system that helps us not just survive life challenges, but thrive in the face of a wide variety of circumstances. It’s why human beings have adapted so well to so many different environments over the ages. It’s how any one person can adapt to the many challenges of one lifetime.

But what happens when that system gets out of balance? What happens when daily stressors never seem to turn off?

Chronic, Toxic Stress

With chronic, repetitive exposure to too many demands – or even rare occurrences of demands that are too intense – the intricate circuits of our nervous system start to break down. The stress hormones don’t fluctuate in a healthy rhythm of coming and going, exciting and calming us. Our heart rate that needs to be able to quickly increase and decrease in response to fluctuating demands loses its capacity to vary in this healthy way. Our ability to thinking flexibly and creatively and critically gets overtaxed and ultimately dulled. In short, our minds and bodies start breaking down. Mental and physical illnesses increase. Joy and energy decrease. We get stuck in the “fight, flight, or freeze” mode way too much.

That’s when I see bright kids and well-meaning parents struggling with attention and organization deficits, anxiety and depression, anger and aggression. That’s when I see headaches and heartaches more than any of us wants to see in our children. That’s when we see digestion and sleep problems, school performance and behavior problems, family and peer relationship problems. That’s when we see kids with self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-regulation problems.

That’s when stress becomes toxic.

It is no badge of honor to be too busy. Yet that’s what everyone says nowadays when you ask how things are going – “busy, too busy.” And if you ask almost anyone how they’re feeling, the most frequent answer you’ll get is “tired, too tired.”

How do we stop this insanity? How do we go on a life-saving mission of stress de-tox for our selves and our children?

Parenting Stress De-Tox

Here are 3 beginning steps. Repeat several times daily, as needed, for the rest of your life! And teach your child to practice these steps too. If you want help, contact me.

STEP 1 – Pause. Just for a moment. Allow yourself to become still and quiet. Let your body become still, sitting in an fairly upright position, alert yet relaxed, feet squarely on the floor, hands resting softly in your lap. Try it, now, for less than a minute, and just see what you notice. See what you notice going on around you, and within you, in this moment.

You may notice that your body becomes calm and relaxed. Or maybe it’s fidgety and jittery. You may notice sounds around you, some that you hadn’t noticed before, coming and going. You may notice aches or tensions in your body. You may notice racing or distracting thoughts arising, also coming and going. You may notice feeling intrigued or bored. You may not notice much of anything. All good to know.

When we pause to notice what is here, now, we are beginning the very foundation of mindfulness practice. We are reconnecting with our higher brain functions and resetting our nervous systems. In the face on ongoing chronic stress, this is a good thing. This is also something we can do anytime, any place, whenever we choose, whenever we need.

STEP 2 – Breathe. For another minute – or maybe just 3 simple breaths – notice your breathing. There’s no need to try to breathe a certain way, and for goodness sakes don’t try to relax! (Really, you’ll probably just tense up again.) Just notice your breath coming and going, in and out. Notice it softly passing in and out, through your nose and chest, your belling gently rising and falling. Breathing in, breathing out. In, out. Here, now.

STEP 3 – Proceed. Now that you are more fully present, you can make a conscious choice for how to respond to your current situation, rather than reacting mindlessly, emotionally, or impulsively. You can make thoughtful choices for how you want to be, in this moment – more or less miserable, more or less agitated, more or less scattered, more or less helpful to your child? You can’t control all the stress in your life, but you can control how you relate to those life circumstances. This can go a long way towards detoxifying the stress in your life.

Pause. Breath. Proceed.

 

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Peter Montminy, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, mindfulness teacher, loving husband and dad.  He invites you to join in an ongoing conversation that seeks to restore sanity to humanity – one child at a time.  Join us at www.AMindfulVillage.com.

 

Happy New Year!  It’s that time of year again, when parents, teachers, and students are all pretty excited about getting back into school. There’s a buzz in the air, as our children are filled with giddy anticipation about meeting new teachers and re-uniting with old friends. And there’s a hopeful joy as we shop for new back-to-school clothes, backpacks, and supplies.

The first few days of new-school-year excitement gradually settle down into a familiar routine. – Getting up and out of the house early in the morning, learning teachers expectations and rules, staking out territory in the cafeteria at lunch time, figuring out your “specials” days, or your “A” and “B” days, or whatever the schedule may bring.

Yet underneath all that fresh-start positive energy, lurks a set of nearly universal fears and frustrations, including:

• Can I do this? Can I keep up?
• Will I understand what the teacher wants – in class, on tests?
• Will I do well enough that my parents will be proud, or at least not angry?
• Where do I fit in, here?
• What are the other kids thinking of me?
• Am I good enough? Smart enough? Athletic enough? Popular enough?
• Am I enough?

Unfortunately, for many of our kids, the private, self-talk answers to these questions are filled with self-doubt, and all too often, self-loathing.

The ever-increasing demands to do, do, do – and be awesome at it, are taking their toll on our children. The messages to “do more, have more, be more” being put out there by corporate interests on mass media, and by peer pressures on social media, keep fueling wildfires of insecurity in our kids. What do you think “FOMO” (Fear of Missing Out) is all about?!

The core underlying problem of most kids I see in therapy these days is one of a deep sense of inadequacy. So many kids – amazingly sweet, sensitive, clever, intelligent, creative, dream-weaving, gung-ho, kind, loving kids – don’t believe they’re lovable. Underneath their cool exterior – or their obnoxious behaviors or their anxious withdrawals – they don’t feel worthy. They often feel overwhelmed and under-equipped to deal with seemingly constant demands to be successful, if not superstars – especially at school.

Of course, some expectations to achieve, some aspirations to do well, are healthy. Moderate degrees of stress or pressure to perform can challenge us to rise to the occasion and reach our potentials. Challenging our kids to find ways to rise up and be their best selves is the sacred work of parents and teachers.

Yet too often today the stress levels for students – and for their parents and teachers as well – is clearly over the top. I spend every workday, either in my office or in schools, working to detox kids – committed to helping them find a way off of the addictive stress treadmills they’re forever running on.

SO – What can you do to help your child tame the stressful fears and frustrations they may feel as they go through this school year?

1. Be mindful. Find a way to regularly practice building your mindfulness skills (using apps or classes, including those at AMindfulVillage.com). Mindfulness is a way of paying attention to what is here, now – without judgment. It’s learning how to see clearly in the moment what is going on around you and within you, and doing so with kindness and curiosity. When you learn how to be fully present – clear and calm – amidst the chaos of daily life, you’ll be able to more frequently attend to your child with your full, best self. Your children will shine in the light of your loving presence, which too often may get clouded over by our own daily stressors. Your children can also take classes to develop their mindfulness skills, so they can be more present in their own lives, and less fearful or frustrated.

 

2. Be intentional. Listen with an open mind. As Stephen Covey says, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply.” How are you listening to your children? Let this intention be your guide: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

 

3. Be compassionate. Speak with an open heart. Before opening your mouth to say something to your child, pause to reflect on these 3 questions: “1. Is it true? 2. Is it kind? 3. Is it useful?” Set the intention to speak more truthfully and kindly. And gently remind yourself to return to this loving-kindness again and again.

 

With these tools in our mindful parenting toolkit, here’s to a school-year filled with just the right amount of successes, challenges, and happiness for each of our children.

 

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Peter Montminy, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, mindfulness teacher, loving husband and dad.  He invites you to join in an ongoing conversation that seeks to restore sanity to humanity – one child at a time.  Join us at www.AMindfulVillage.com.

 

What does your child see in you on a daily basis? Someone who is frazzled, tense, distracted? Do they see a strained or tired look on your face? Someone who is endlessly multitasking, trying to get it all done?

Are you often pre-occupied, lost in thought, and not really fully present with your kids (or anyone else for that matter)? Perhaps they see you lost in your digital devices: working on the computer, surfing the net, or mindlessly checking your cell phone umpteen-hundred times a day.

What does your child hear from you most often? Does it sound like a drill sergeant: “Hurry up, we have to go!” “Stop fighting with your sister!” “Don’t look at me / talk to me / ignore me like that!” Perhaps they don’t hear much at all from you. Perhaps you’re too distracted – or too tired – from other daily demands.

Do you notice what they’re noticing each day?

How often do you pause to be present, in this moment, with your child?

Do you notice what looks they have on their face? Do you see their excitement or disappointment? Do you hear their words, their hopes, their frustrations? Do you understand what matters to them, what they’re really trying to say, even when they’re acting out aggressively or withdrawing anxiously?

Do you see your child, and accept your child, for who they are – not just some projection of what you think they should be? With each precious moment of a child’s ever-unfolding development, can we pause periodically to really notice the unique, amazing person they are becoming?

Do you – will you – meet and greet your child with the gift of presence each day?!

There is a tradition in the South African Zulu tribe for greeting one another that has a powerful impact on their family and community bonds. “Sawubona” is the greeting, which means “I see you.” And the common reply is “Ngikhona”, meaning “I am here.”

When you join with someone in this way, you give them your full attention and heart. You let them know that you see them, you hear them, and you are here for them. Once acknowledged and appreciated in this way, you can express the feeling of completeness that comes with being noticed – indeed, I am here. I matter. Thank you.

I invite you to try this simple exercise with your partner or your child:

• Sit or stand quietly in front of one another for a few moments.
• Look directly, tenderly into each other’s eyes.
• Pause and breathe.
• Simply and sincerely say to them “I see you.”
• Let the receiver of this greeting take it in fully, slowly, and quietly.
• When they are ready, they can respond sincerely too, “I am here.”
• Pause. Breathe. And reciprocate.
• Have the other person offer the greeting, and you receive it, replying in kind.

This simple act of seeing and hearing one another, fully and lovingly, can be a powerful way to begin your day, or any conversation or activity with your loved ones.

When we greet our children with compassion and curiosity, rather than pre-conceived notions and judgments, we show them how much we truly care.

When we meet our children where they are, they feel loved. When they feel loved, they can be free to be themselves. They can and will open themselves up to us more. Then we can all reap the sacred harvest of seeing, hearing, and knowing one another.

So, the lesson for today, the mindful parenting practice for the month, is simply this. Listen to your child with an open mind, and see your child with an open heart. Be present.

For the present is all we really have to share with one another.

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Peter Montminy, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, mindfulness teacher, loving husband and dad.  He invites you to join in an ongoing conversation that seeks to restore sanity to humanity – one child at a time.  Join us at www.AMindfulVillage.com.

 

A recent article in Real Simple magazine summarized some of the current research on happiness. Happiness, contentment, joy – are all things we associate with a “carefree summer.” Yet somehow busyness and stress keep intruding into our lives, even into our summer days.

So let’s pause for a moment, and perhaps over a refreshing glass of iced tea, let’s reflect…

What makes you – and your children – happy?  Before you read on, pause and jot down 3 quick answers, without thinking too hard.  Ready, go!

Now, according to a survey conducted by Real Simple magazine, guess which word came up the most?

Family. Odds are, your answer had something to do with this too, yes?

The next tier of words that were associated with people’s happiness included: love, laughter, home, children, and grandchildren, along with beach, sunshine, and chocolate!

Other research studies in the field of positive psychology have likewise found that one of the most important determinants of personal happiness is the quality of our relationships. It’s not about money or work (though job satisfaction is important too), or about having “stuff.” It’s about family and friends.

Of course we care about our family and friends. Yet we often neglect to share the gift of love and laughter (along with sunshine and chocolate!) with them. We race through the day with “too many things to do” and complain that there’s “not enough time” to just hang out and have fun.

Yet what could be more important? Nothing. Having fun and cultivating a positive, attitude, actually produces many other vital life benefits – including stronger immune systems, more satisfied marriages, greater work productivity, and more charitable contributions to society.

Happiness is the cornerstone of well-being that produces a positive ripple effect that not only benefits you, but also your children, community, and society. Why do you think our founding American fathers considered the pursuit of happiness as one of the fundamental human rights?

About 50% of one’s general happiness or mood appears to be genetically determined. That is, we are partially hard-wired for a certain degree of happiness or pleasantness. Another 10% is due to environmental circumstances. The remaining 40% has to do with how you develop your thoughts, feelings, and habits. How you think and behave – the choices you make – go a long way to adding to (or subtracting from) your happiness.

And since we know that FAMILY is one of the most important factors in how we experience happiness, it makes sense to focus on what you can do to improve those family relationships. When you enjoy your kids and family more, you’ll experience more happiness, which will lead to more enjoyable family time, and so on – creating a positive snowball effect.

As Henry James, the great American philosopher and psychologist said quite accurately a hundred years ago: “Tension is habit. Relaxing is a habit. Bad habits can be broken, good habits formed.”

Here are 3 simple tips that can help you improve your happiness habits.

1. Repeat actions and activities that have made you happy in the past. Duh! Think about one of the most fun family times you can remember with your kids. Where were you and what were you doing? Okay, if it was at Disney World, you can’t repeat that daily. Yet what about all the smaller, simpler fun laughing times you’ve shared at home? Or a comfortable, contented time you’ve shared? Remember the warm feeling in your gut, the joy in your heart, as you just enjoyed this fun time with your gang? Well, do that some more.

 

2. Immerse yourself in the moment. Make sure whatever you’re doing, you’re fully engaged in it. If you’ve chosen to have some “down time” or “family time”, focus fully on that activity, and those people, during that time. Yes, that may mean everyone turns off their electronic gadgets for a little while, or at least makes a conscious effort to put them in the background. – Unless, of course, you all can enjoy the digital activity together, then go for it!

 

3. Do something that serves a larger purpose. Believe it or not, the old saying “giving is better than receiving’ really does have some merit. Studies show that when we feel we’re contributing to the well-being of others, it has the positive side-effect of increasing our own happiness and sense of satisfaction. So, what can you and your kids do that feels like you’re contributing some value to others? When you engage in some charity, service, or community events together, with the intention of contributing a little bit to others’ happiness, you’ll find that gift returns to you in the form of uncounted blessings.

 

So, here’s to a Happy 4^th of July! A Happy Summer! A Happy Tuesday! A Happy Bedtime Story! Whatever it may be, here’s to cultivating a sense of gratitude and happiness for this moment, and each moment, that we can share with our children.

 

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Peter Montminy, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, mindfulness teacher, loving husband and dad.  He invites you to join in an ongoing conversation that seeks to restore sanity to humanity – one child at a time.  Join us at www.AMindfulVillage.com.