A Mindful Village

Mindful-Based Solutions for Childhood Stress

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On Becoming a Grandfather

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They say of parenthood that the days can go by so slowly, but the years go by so quickly.

Sounds right to me.  It seems just a blink of an eye ago that I became a dad. Yet in some kind of weird time-warp way, it was actually 30 years ago that we welcomed our first child into this world.  A few more blinks, and along came three more.  All miraculous blessings, then and now.

And now the cycle begins again.  Ever more miraculously, we welcomed our first grandchild into the world just a few weeks ago.  This precious baby boy is now the center of our family’s universe, and he is a beautiful, wonderful gift from God, to be sure.

And yet I find something else quietly stirring deep inside me, moving me to spontaneous moments of tears and the deepest sense of gratitude and pure awe.  It’s the unspeakable love and joy I feel for our first little baby girl, now fully grown, and a mom.

Parenthood begins anew.  The torch is being passed on, and we all have new roles to fill.  We have new hopes and fears, new aspirations and trepidations.  At least I know I do.

As Father’s Day arrives this year, my mind swirls about in so many directions.  I reflect with humility and gratitude for the work of my grandparents and parents, giving us the best home they knew how.  I reflect on how my wife Mary and I tried to do the same for our children. And now how Jen and her husband will set out to do the same.

What wisdom might I try to impart as they begin their journey? What lessons have I learned?  What wishes do I wish for them, for all of our children and grandchildren yet to come, for all new parents everywhere?

I guess this new title of “grandfather” gives me license to step out and offer a few bits of unsolicited advice.  Though I prefer to think of these more as heartfelt wishes, gleaned from 30 eye-blinking years of parenting the best that I could.

1 – Begin with Love.   As you already know, you really can’t help it. As the saying goes, to have a child is to have a big part of your heart walking around outside of your body for the rest of your life.  – No matter what age your child is!  Ask yourself each day, “How will I love today?”

2 – Accept imperfections.  We are all perfectly imperfect.  Make peace with that truth, and you’ll be a happier person, a happier parent, and enjoy happier children.

3 – Don’t always do the best you can. Do the best you can for this one thing in the time you have to do it.  You’ll always have more to do than there is time to get everything done.  So choose consciously.  Be intentional with your time.  Be clear about your priorities.  And let “good enough” sometimes really be good enough.

4 – Understand that there is no such thing as work-life balance.  It’s not so good to think of this “balance” thing as a noun.  Better to think of it as verb.  Balancing.  It’s dynamic, always changing, and always requiring course corrections.  Sometimes work needs more attention, sometimes family. Sometimes it’s your marriage, sometimes it’s your kids.  And don’t ever forget, sometimes it needs to be yourself.  You can’t give what you don’t have.  So practice self-compassion first, and the rest will follow.

5 – Pause to savor the good. Take it in.  Actively.  See it. Speak it aloud.  Take just a few minutes each day to reflect on 3 things you’re grateful for.  Share it at dinnertime or bedtime.  Or write it down in a gratitude journal.  Remember, what you focus on, grows.

6 – Be honest, always.  First with yourself.  Then with your partner.  Then with your children.  Let them grow to appreciate the importance of open, honest, and trusting relationships, even when it’s hard.

7 – Know that your children will pay more attention to what you do, than what you say.  But words count too.  When you become – as you inevitably will – too impatient or angry or judgmental or anxious or controlling or (fill-in-the-blank), own it.  Apologize earnestly.  Set the intention to do otherwise next time.  And move on.

8 – Practice forgiveness daily. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ll make.  Forgive your children for the mistakes they will make.  It’s the only way we learn.   And forgive others (including grandparents!) who don’t understand or agree with all your parenting decisions.  You are doing the best you can.  But remember, so are they.

9 – Laugh.  A lot. Make time and space to laugh together.  It is truly the best medicine.

10 – Begin again.  Each day is a new opportunity to love.  To be present.  To appreciate the good times.  And rise to the challenges of the hard times.  Allow yourself a fresh slate each day.  Don’t hold grudges.

Always, we can begin again.  You’ll see, in just a few blinks of an eye, how true that really is.

 

 

Raising Children in a Village They Deserve

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A Dreary Village

No doubt you’ve heard the old African proverb – “It takes a village to raise a child.”  Indeed, it does.  So let’s ask ourselves – what kind of society are we raising our children in these days?

We are surrounded by constant demands for our time and attention.  The digital age has speeded up our expectations for what needs to get done and how quickly.  Simply put, we expect instant results and immediate gratification. Ever notice how tense you get if your computer screen takes longer than 3 seconds to refresh?  Three seconds!  “Hurry up,” we shout or silently fume, “Don’t you know I’ve got too much to do and can’t sit around all day…”

We feel the pressures to go, go, go and do, do, do coming from our bosses, our email, our families, our text messages, our…  You get the idea.  Many of us resort to mindlessly multitasking.  We’re quickly losing the capacity to focus on just one thing at a time for any length of time.  We can’t comfortably be still, be quiet, be alone, or be bored.  And neither can our children.

When was the last time you or your child (or grandchild) sat and watched a TV show without also do something else?  How long can your kids focus on homework without checking for messages (texts, tweets, snaps) or without wandering off into “just quickly checking” something else of interest – (facebook, youtube, itunes)?  How long can you go without such distractions?

With these never-ending demands coming at us from all directions, we begin to feel one telltale sign of toxic stress:  exhausted!  When was the last time you got to the end of your day with extra energy left over? Yeah, not so much.  And the number one answer that kids tell me, every day, when I ask them how they’re feeling?  “Tired.”

Another toxic side effect of chronic stress is that we’re frequently operating from the most primitive part of our brain – the one designed to protect us from life-threatening dangers. Every time we feel overwhelmed, for example, like when there’s too much to do and not enough time to do it, the emotional alarm center in our lower brain, the amygdala, takes over and automatically sends us into survival mode.

Nowadays, this “Fight or Flight” stress reaction most often looks like “Argue or Avoid.”  We emotionally react to the demands of the day by angrily arguing or anxiously avoiding. We snap and have a short fuse.  We accuse and attack.  Or we ignore and deny.  We retreat and withdraw.  And sometimes, along with our children, we begin to feel hopeless or even worthless.

A Dream Village

Look around you – at home, work, and school.  Listen carefully – on TV, talk radio, and social media.  Is this the kind of village we want raising our children?

Too often, despite our best intentions, we can get pulled down into the daily grind and wind up raising our children on a constant diet of toxic stress. Yet, I believe there is a better way, and that it’s completely possible for us to live as Gandhi inspired us to – to be the change we want to see in the world.

I believe it’s possible, indeed imperative, that we fulfill Martin Luther King, Jr’s dream of living in a loving and just village that values children for who they are on the inside, not what they look like on the outside.

I believe that we can all come together to create a more mindful village for our children.

What would such a Mindful Village look like?  I still believe…

  • It’s one where we are committed to restoring sanity to humanity – one child at a time.
  • It’s one where we make conscious choices, daily, for how we choose to live, and how we teach our children to live.
  • It’s one where we break the vicious cycle of emotionally reacting to the insane demands of modern life, and create a virtuous cycle, instead, of thoughtfully responding to life’s challenges.
  • It’s one where we raise our children with clear minds, calm emotions, and compassionate actions.
  • And it’s one where our children learn how to grow from struggling to surviving to thriving.

As we begin anew with our lives this Spring, I look forward to finding new ways of guiding our children along the healing path of our Flowing Heart of Mindfulness:

  • Transforming Toxic Stress
  • Overcoming Childhood Challenges
  • Practicing Mindfulness
  • Building Resilience and
  • Cultivating Well-Being

I look forward to exploring with you the many ways we can indeed raise our children more mindfully – with both wisdom and compassion – in a village that our children deserve.

And finally, I hope that you’ll lend your caring voice and kind actions to our Mindful Village community, as well – including joining in the conversations at my new Facebook Page – check it out here!

 

Peter Montminy, Ph.D. is a child psychologist, mindfulness teacher, and father of four. Learn more about his educational programs and private consultations at www.AMindfulVillage.com.

 

5 Ways to Create Healthy Digital Habits in Your Kids

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Digital Dizziness

Parents and kids today are experiencing chronic emotional overwhelm at the hands of information overload.  Worried about what’s best for our children, many parents have a love-hate relationship with modern technology.

We feel this essential tension between “Technology is so important; I don’t want my child left behind” and “Technology is invading our lives; I don’t want my child addicted to all these digital devices.”

So much of this seems beyond our control.  We can’t keep up with the rapidly and ever-changing digital landscape – new devices, programs, apps, social media platforms.  We can’t remember half of our own passwords, yet we’re supposed to keep track of our children’s passwords and monitor their usage and make sure they don’t get into any trouble.

The trouble is, they are always two steps ahead of us in knowing where to go, and how to get there, online.  We don’t even know what we don’t know!  It can be so confusing – and exhausting.

So what can we control?  What can we do?  Don’t despair – there is a way through this craziness.

Here are 5 ways to develop healthy digital habits in our children and ourselves.

Digital Well-Being

  1. Set Clear Intentions. Let’s be intentional about our goals for our children, and then intentionally live a lifestyle that supports those goals. We all want our children to be healthy and happy.  And that usually means finding meaningful, loving connections in our relationships with family, friends, and community.  So, let’s pause to consider, how is this digital device, this digital activity, contributing to my child’s health and happiness right now – or not.

We’re not talking totally forbidden fruit, here.  We’re talking about having a mindful relationship with technology – one that helps us live with more ease, not dis-ease.  Be honest with yourself about this, and with your children.  Let your kids know you care enough to be thoughtful about how you use technology in your family.

  1. Make Conscious Choices. With conscious use, digital technology can return to its rightful place as a useful tool, not an insidious task-master. Make purposeful choices about when your child can turn on a device, what they can see and do there, and when they need to turn it off.  Turn off “Notifications” and “AutoPlay” wherever possible – to prevent the device from contacting and controlling you, instead of the other way around.

When using a device, teach your child how to “Pause, Reflect, and Respond” – rather than impulsively reacting and mindlessly multi-tasking.  Literally teach them how to pause and breathe, before clicking or sending.

  1. Maintain a Balanced Digital Diet. There’s nothing wrong with a cupcake. Unless you eat 12 of them every day.  There’s nothing wrong with a video game or youtube video or a friendly snapchat – unless your child is consuming dozens of them, hours of them, daily.  Sadly, this is often the case.

Be clear about setting limits on total screen time for your kids every day: 1-2 hours is ideal, 3-4 may be realistic, 5 or more is toxic.  But we can’t just set limits.

We must be able to monitor and enforce them.  Otherwise, you’re not only allowing your kids to develop unhealthy habits – you’re teaching them that you don’t mean what you say.  So be realistic.  Set standards for “Time and Place” – when and where they’re allowed to be on devices, when and where they’re not.  Also set standards for the quality of use – what they’re allowed to view or do, and what they’re not.

  1. Actively Participate in Your Child’s Life – Both Online and Off. If we’re going to intelligently enforce appropriate digital activities, that means we need to engage with our kids on these devices. Get in there and check it out!  Don’t just talk to your kids about this; we need to talk and play with our kids in the digital world.  Show interest, caring, and concern.  Look, listen, and let them teach you things online.  Then you can better share your values and teach them how to make healthy, safer choices online.

And be sure to provide alternative activities for when your kids are not on their devices.  Some combination of both online and offline time, of both structured and unstructured activities, of family time and friend time and quiet solo time, of work time and play time – all are important to round out a healthy social diet for our children.  Be sure to set some Time and Place for each of these components in your child’s day, or week, in whatever way works best for your family.

  1. Enforce Digital Curfews. One of the most important things you can do, especially for tweens and teens, is make sure you enforce clear digital curfews. You wouldn’t let your middle-schooler stay out with friends until after midnight on a school night, would you?  Yet if the digital devices are in the bedroom at night with your child, odds are that is happening WAY more than you imagine.  Trust me, I talk to kids all day long for a living.  You’d be amazed, and not too happy, at what’s going on behind closed doors.  Plus, this is not helping the epidemic of sleep disorders in kids today, either.

Do yourself and them a favor – make sure all devices (phones, tablets, computers) are charging overnight in YOUR bedroom (or kitchen, etc.), not theirs.  Set “Visiting Hours” for digital devices in your home.  Have “Digital-Free Zones” and times.  Do this when your children are young and maintain it all the way until the day they leave your home.

Practicing these healthy digital habits will go a long way towards helping us all restore sanity to humanity – one child at a time.

 

Peter Montminy, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, mindfulness teacher, loving husband and dad.  He invites you to join in an ongoing conversation that seeks to restore sanity to humanity – one child at a time.  Join us at www.AMindfulVillage.com.

 

Understanding Digital Addictions

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Mobile digital devices, from smart phones to iPads, have become essential aspects of daily life.  In fact, 98% of children under age 8 in America have access to mobile devices at home.

The Good and The Bad

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  The internet and mobile technology literally allow us to hold the whole wide world in our hands.  Our kids have the opportunity to explore far away lands and cultures, to gain valuable knowledge about any conceivable topic, to access and produce amazing artistic creations – all at the tip of their fingers.

Yet, for all it’s potential, let’s face it, this has become a bad thing.  The adult world is literally being downloaded onto our kids at younger and younger ages.  Degrading sex, violence, vulgarity, hate speech, cyberbullying – all are merely one click away.  Repeated exposure to these aspects of the digital world is seriously affecting our children’s mental, moral, and emotional health.

Unfortunately, there are even more insidious and negative consequences occurring with our children’s unfettered, and often unsupervised, use of digital technology.  The pervasive problem we’re all facing is one of quantity, as much as quality, of screen time.

Computers, tablets, cell phones – videos, music, games, social media posts and tweets and snaps – have become ubiquitous.  Current studies show that children (ages 8-12) spend, on average, 6 hours a day on screen time.  And teens are spending nearly 9 hours a day, on average, on their digital devices!

So what?  Well, here’s what.

50% of teens feel addicted to their mobile devices (78% check their devices at least hourly).  Nearly half of teens who spend 5 hours a day or more on electronic devices report suicidal thoughts or attempts.  A recent study shows that increased time on Facebook contributes significantly to increased depression in teens.  And, correlating with increased screen usage over the past decade, children ages 10-14 now die by suicide more frequently than they do car accidents.  The average level of anxiety in teens today is equal to that of an inpatient psychiatric patient a generation ago.  Children hooked on media devices by age 2 have increased attention, memory, and self-control problems by elementary school – executive function deficits that predict many adjustment problems later in life.  I could go on…

I’ve been saying it for years, and now the research results are confirming what our common sense already tells us: information overload is producing emotional overwhelm in our kids (and ourselves) at toxic levels.

Why Is This Happening?

It’s important for you to know something.  This hasn’t happened by accident.  Video game programs, digital apps, and social media platforms are built by “persuasive design.”  That is, they are purposely constructed to get you to keep coming back for more.  These are, remember, commercial applications, built by businesses seeking to make a profit.

And the way they make a profit is to grab your eyeballs on their screen pages, over and over and over again.  Then they can a) sell more ad revenues, b) get to know more about you, and c) target you for more of the same.

These companies are in an arms race for the most valuable commercial commodity – your attention.  And they use sophisticated neurologically-based ways to grab your attention, keep your attention, and most importantly, have you craving and coming back for more.

Netflix and YouTube use “Autoplay” to keep you watching just one more video – repeatedly – until well past your bedtime.  Snapchat entices kids to extend their “streaks”, making sure they return daily to the app, and redefining how our children measure their friendships and self-worth.  Notifications beep and light up at us on “variable reward schedules” just like slot machines at casinos – sucking us in to checking our phones repeatedly throughout the day, lest we succumb to the newest malady of our times: FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out).

You and your children are literally being programmed to keep seeking more digital stimulation.  Each time you do, you light up the reward center of your brain and get a little squirt of dopamine – the pleasure hormone.

The problem is, as with anything, too much of a good thing can become a bad thing.  We can get hooked into seeking more of that fleeting little “feel good” buzz – until we build up a tolerance and dependence on it.

Eventually, these neural circuits get so overloaded they start shutting down.  We can go from repeated bouts of anxious anticipation and excitement, to anxiety and stress about missing out or not keeping up, to chronic fatigue, burn-out, and depression.

What Now?

With mindful attention, we can harness the power of the digital age for good.  We can practice healthy digital hygiene, develop smart digital literacy skills, and promote positive digital citizenship in our children.

Next month, we’ll explore the Top 10 Tips for parenting children in the digital age – so you can have practical tools to consciously combat the forces that pull us towards digital addictions.  You’ve already taken the first step – becoming aware of the problem, with your eyes hopefully more wide open.  Next time, we’ll get real about what to do about it.

If you can’t wait until next month, then I highly recommend you go to the best online resource (yes, I know, ironic) for common sense solutions to modern media madness – CommonSenseMedia.org – and start practicing some of their sage advice.

Choose Kind

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“When given the choice between being right or being kind,

choose kind.”

– R.J. Palacio, Wonder

 

Ever wonder what the world would be like if we lived by this maxim? What would your family life be like? – Your workplace? – Your child’s school?

I’ve spent the past year of my life reflecting on this quote, making it a mantra during some meditations, and trying to act upon it more often in daily conflicts.

Being Right

This, it turns out, can be remarkably difficult for those of us raised to always try to “get it right.” Much of our modern culture is heavily performance or achievement oriented. We need to perpetually prove ourselves, validate our very worth, by getting A’s on tests and report cards, or getting 5 out of 5 ratings on our performance appraisals at work.

Always do your best. Strive to be the best. You’re better than that! These are well-meaning phrases we repeat to our kids over and over. And certainly there is some value in encouraging our children to put forth effort and to try to do well. But have we gone too far?

Yes, some of the troubles with children today relate to not having enough persistence or grit. They give up too easily, at the first hint of hardship. So it is important to teach our children to persevere, and have them learn how to gain satisfaction from working on something that was difficult.

The kindest, most loving and effective way we can do this is to encourage those very qualities – persistence, determination, sustained effort – even when it’s not immediately gratifying. We want to praise our children’s efforts, more than focusing on the outcome. Attend to the process, more than the product. Reinforce children for developing a calm and steady work ethic, more than heaping praise and gold stars on every successful outcome.

Being Perfect

Too often we over-focus on that outcome and do our children a cruel disservice. This leads to an even bigger problem we face with kids today – perfectionism. We have kids (and their parents and teachers) struggling with so much undue anxiety and stress about the perpetual need to be perfect.

Straight A’s in school are no longer an indication of unusual excellence. They’ve become the standard for an increasing majority of kids who feel like they’re a failure if they don’t get them.

And the need to always be right, to be perfect, is not just an academic issue. We worship the star athlete, the lead in the class play, the concert soloist, the most popular or cool kid. We hear TV and radio talk show hosts pontificating, arguing their point of view as the (only) right one.

Being Wrong

Conflict sells. So often the loudest, most controversial, and most obnoxious voices get the most coverage. They get the highest ratings in commercial media and most retweets in social media. “Reality TV” that started out as a fun diversion from real life, has transformed all the way to the White House as a real-life horror show.

Too much of our social discourse has become all about proving that you’re right. You and like-minded people (your group/team/organization/political party) are absolutely right, and that means “the others” are absolutely wrong. And if we think others are wrong, we don’t just critique their opinions calmly and rationally. We ridicule and shame, we become hostile and sometimes violent.

Our society has become so polarized, primarily out of frustration and fear. Often, what we fear is that we may be wrong. We may be inadequate (not perfect). We may be left out or rejected. To prove our value, to feel safe and right and worth something, we attack others. Civility, let alone kindness, be damned.

This is classic “fight or flight” stress reactions, taken to epidemic proportions. Too many of us, too often, are so busy swimming in this toxic sea of stress, we don’t even see it. We’re too busy reacting to it.

Being Kind

What if we chose a different way? What if we woke up, and remembered what matters most to us. To be loved and appreciated for who we are, just as we are – without the need to defend or attack. And without the need to be perfectly right all the time.

What if we lived our lives the way that Auggie Pullman, 5th grader extraordinaire, encourages us to in the life-affirming book (now movie) Wonder…

“If every person in this room made it a rule that wherever you are, whenever you can, you will try to act a little kinder than is necessary – the world really would be a better place. And if you do this, if you act just a little kinder than is necessary, someone else, somewhere, someday, may recognize in you, in every single one of you, the face of God.”

What if?

Here’s to living our lives remembering that, when faced with the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind. Or, as the Dalai Lama reminds us, “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”

I’m still working on it. I hope you will too.

Get Rid of Your Big Buts!

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            I would work out regularly and get in shape, but…

            I’d love to get together with friends more often, but…

            I want to have more family fun together, but… 

            I really need more “R&R” just for myself, but…

Many of us start off the new year with the best of intentions. We want to live healthier and happier, and yet, there always seems to be some big BUT getting in the way. Don’t you just hate that!

And the biggest BUT of all, the one I hear over and over again in my work with busy families is: “…but I don’t have the time.” Seems like there’s just never enough time. Too many other demands – work, kids, finances, errands, booster club, car repairs, stubbed my toe, SOMETHING always gets in the way. There’s just never enough time.

Pause. Breathe. And consider.

What Are You Doing?

What are you doing with your time? What are you doing today? Right now? (Reading this article – good for you – stay with it!)

Too often we are running around on the hamster wheel of life, reacting to the next demand or crisis. We live life without thinking, without conscious awareness about what’s really important, what matters most to us. We trudge on, too often on auto-pilot and mindlessly multi-tasking. We keep trying to put out fires, usually trying to meet our kid’s / boss’s / spouse’s / fill-in-the blank’s needs – everyone’s except our own.

We keep trying to finish our “To Do” lists. Somehow we never seem to catch up. We never get that list completed. There’s always more to add to the list.

So, let us reflect, mindfully and purposefully: What are you doing with your time? Or, as poet Mary Oliver beautifully prods us, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

What are the things in life that are most important to you? Make a quick short list of what matters most to you right now, at this very point in your life. What brings you joy? When do you feel most fulfilled or alive? What replenishes or rejuvenates you?

What would you like a little bit more of in your life (let’s say, 3 hours a week) – knowing that if you had or did that, your quality of life would be significantly enhanced?

And Why?

Now ask yourself the most important question of all: “Why?”

Why is that so important to you right now? And when you answer that why question, ask it again, “Why does that matter so much to you?” And then ask yourself one more time, “Why is that important to you?”

When you get in touch with your most important values, you turn on the intrinsic motivation you need to create and maintain healthy daily habits. As Jason Frenn once taught me years ago: when your WHY is bigger than your BUT, then you will succeed. Then you will gain traction towards your goals. Then you will be empowered to step into what I call Aligned Action. That is, you’ll be able to act with more ease and consistency, aligned with your values and with your conscious awareness of what matters most.

And How?

The other half of the equation, after pausing to remind ourselves of what matters most, is to practice acceptance. Accept that we are responsible for our time choices. It’s not that we don’t “have” the time – as if we’re waiting for someone to give it to us. It’s that we don’t choose to take the time to do what we say matters most.

When we accept that responsibility, we become empowered to make real differences. Whatever circumstances arise, whatever challenges, stresses, or obstacles, we always have a choice for how to respond to them. When we pause to thoughtfully attend to and accept our current circumstances, then we can thoughtfully respond to them, rather than mindlessly react to them.

Along with accepting that we can and do choose how we spend our time – it’s also important to accept our limitations. In any given situation, there are always some things we can control, and some things we can’t control. Remember, what you focus on, grows. So, recognize and accept those things you cannot control right now, and then refocus on what you can.

We all have limitations. We are all inconsistent. We are all perfectly imperfect. And we will NOT get everything on the To Do lists done, because they are never done! We can fight this reality, or make peace with it. Let’s move on to what you can do, the choices you do have, right now.

And believe me, that absolutely includes having 3 hours every week to do what makes you happy. There are 168 hours in the week. If you take 3 for yourself, and only leave the other 165 hours for everyone and everything else, I promise the world will not fall apart. The time is now. The choice is yours.

It’s a new year. It’s a new day. Every day! We can always begin again. With clear intentions – recognizing the BUTs in our lives, and remembering the WHYs that matter more – we can take one concrete, realistic step in the direction of our aspirations. And then we take another.

Onward we go, with grace and gratitude for the gift of today.

 

Peter Montminy, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, mindfulness teacher, loving husband and dad.  He invites you to join in an ongoing conversation that seeks to restore sanity to humanity – one child at a time.  Join us at www.AMindfulVillage.com.